by RCD-Alice
Rating: NC17
Characters: Bella and Edward
Summary:A different kind of message in a bottle. More like a letter in a Starbucks comfy cushion. Is it fate? ExB AU/AH Canon. Slight OOC M to be safe *wink*
Dear…Whoever happens upon this,
I don't know who you are, and I assume I never will. Actually I sort of hope we never meet as I'm about to whine away on this piece of lined paper for you to see.
You likely have already stopped reading, but I just feel the need to tell somebody, anybody really, the things that eat away at me day after day. Perhaps that will satisfy my overactive brain for a few minutes so I can at least get a few minutes of much needed sleep.
Now you're wondering why I don't tell my friends, my family, my significant other, or even my pet and leave you the hell alone, but that's just simply impossible.
I'm painfully shy. Even if I did have all of those aforementioned relationships (which are few and far between in my case) I would die before bringing my insecurities and problems up to the forefront for them to do with as they please. This right here is problem number one. I'm shy, insecure and plain. That's how I would describe myself. Boring and plain. Plainly boring, if you will.
I can't count on two hands (as there are far too many) the amount of missed opportunities that have breezed past me in my lifetime.
I am your average, plain, boring twenty two year old college student, who has yet to go on a date, or even kiss a boy. I don't blame it all on my inability to initiate things. That would be the coward's way out. The rest of that blame goes to the fact that I am simply uninteresting, and I assume unattractive, as I've never had the words 'you're pretty' uttered to me. That's right. Never once.
I'd like to find love someday. I want to find that spark, that magnetic pull that suspends time and gravity. I do. It just doesn't seem to be in my cards.
I wonder if you're still reading this. If you are, I apologize. You really don't have to.
Are you in college? Because I am. It's so demanding and difficult. Even more so when you're damn near invisible. I hate say that I envy people that have the ability to speak up, make themselves known, but I do. It doesn't matter what they say, it is definitely about whom you know not so much as WHAT you know. I've realized that when a professor is grading papers he or she will give more attention to names they know whether they are known for good or bad reasons. It's a subconscious thing. Therefore, the professor comes across my paper, sees a name that doesn't even register. He skims, gives it an average mark and moves on. This means that I have to work twice as hard as someone else, just to receive that slightly above average grade.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm a genius or anything. Far from it I'm sure. It still sucks.
Still reading? I know, I know. But to be fair, I did say I was going to whine. And life sucks. There's an awful lot to whine about. There's no way to sugar coat it, it just plain freaking sucks.
My parents died last year. They were in a car accident on their way to visit me at school. I don't want pity. It's just another way that life sucks.
They were both only children, their parents long gone, and I as well an only child. That left me. I'll live though. And unlike most people, I don't blame myself for that accident. Even though they were on their way to visit me, I was not the truck driver who fell asleep t the wheel on the highway. No, no. I place all the blame on him.
Speaking of trucks, mine is a piece of shit. Honestly, some days it doesn't even run at all. Makes me feel so much better when that happens. Yeah, I just rolled my eyes as I wrote that.
Sucky truck.
When I was in high school, I was anorexic. I'm not anymore…I don't think so anyways. I mean, I eat. Not hoards of food or anything, but I eat. And it isn't often that it comes back up. Actually, I can't remember the last time it did.
It just occurred to me that I'm pretty much just randomly jotting stuff down here for you to read. No rhyme, no reason. That's how my life feels. My brain works a million miles a minute with no rhyme or reason. No reprieve either. That's kind of the point of this exercise. I'd be mortified if I was saying this out loud, or even if I had to watch you read it, right there in front of me.
But the thing is, I need to sleep. I haven't slept a full night in so long that I just might die of shock if or when it actually happens. I just can't seem to turn my brain off long enough to get a decent REM cycle on the go.
God, do those words even make sense?
I do believe I've taken up more than enough of your time…that is if you didn't flounce five words in. I hope I haven't ruined your day…
Sincerely, Me
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